10/19/15

An Open Letter To (AKA 3 Simple Things) 'It's Showtime' & ABS-CBN (Can Learn From Eat Bulaga)



Anyone else notice Yaya Dub's absence in the Chicken ala King McDo Commercial shown in ABS-CBN? 



Alden's there but Maine isn't.

ABS-CBN is that paranoid much? They don't want to remind viewers of their afternoon ratings loss and that all their manufactured loveteams are no match to a random reel loveteam? ABS-CBN is taking #Aldub very seriously?

Seriously?

Why would anyone feel threatened by a dubsmashing househelp? Can't a big-ass network just enjoy the ride just like everyone else?

ABS-CBN:  No we can't. We have to have everything. We want to win in everything. We want it all.

A-ha! And that's why you're "losing."

You can't have everything. What's fun about having everything?

ABS-CBN:  Money.

Money can buy anything but not peace of mind. And if you want to win, you first need to be at peace with losing.

ABS-CBN: Fuck you.

Fuck you too.


Dear ABS-CBN and "It's Showtime":

Kayo ba ay nalolongkot? Di makatolog?

'Wag mag-alala. Ang nararanasan nyo ngayon ay normal sa mga nilalang na pakiramdam ay sila ay talunan. Hindi kayo talo, tingin nyo lang `yun.

Tingin ny'o lang talo kayo kasi gusto nyo lagi kayo nananalo. Ba't? Kelangan ba laging may panalo at talo? Sino may sabi n'un? Sapakin nyo. Advertisers ba kamo? E di kung ganun, talo nga naman kayo.

Pero kasi naman.

`Pag lagi nyo iniisip ano iisipin ng advertisers, pramis, di kayo makakaisip.

1   Wag isip ng isip


Tingin n`yo planado ng Eat Bulaga magka-25M Tweets? Ang hirap kaya  planuhin n`un. Pag pinitch mo `yun sa mga boss, sasabihin sa`yo, shunga ka. Saka para ka na ring kumuha ng martilyong ipupukpuk sa sarili mo. Pano mo naman kasi magagawa yun? Hindi mo magagawa `yun. Ang mga tao lang kusa makakagawa nun. Kusa ha! Hindi `yung binayaran o in-assign para mag-tweet.

O, aminin!

Tingin nyo may nag-pitch sa isang creative meeting na gawing loveteam si Alden at Yaya Dub?

Pwede. Pero sabi ng Eat Bulaga, hindi raw. Kusa daw `yun lumabas. Pati `yung original reaction ni Yaya nung unang nakita si Pogi. Hinayaan lang nila at di nila alam magiging reaksyon ni Yaya. Nung bigla nag pabebe-wave. Yun na!




Di rin nila inasahan magiging reaksyon ng tao. Kaya nag-go with the flow na lang sila.

Kayo kasi, pa pitch-kayo ng pa-pitch ng "magandang" idea, eh binabaril nyo naman yung idea limang segundo pagkatapos lumabas sa bibig nung nag-pitch.

Naghahanap kayo ng bagong idea, takot naman kayo sa bago. Ginagamit nyo pa rin yung luma.. Ba't, kasi tried & tested na? Kasi nag-rate na kaya gamitin na lang ulit? Recycle much ? Parang basura lang?

Kahit 25 milyong beses kayo mag-isip, hindi nyo malalaman kung anong gusto at magugustuhan ng tao? Eh mga tao nga di nila alam ano gusto nila,

Kayo? Alam nyo ba gusto nyo? Bukod sa pera op kors.

Suntok sa buwan lang lahat yan.

Ang henyong gawain kasi ng Eat Bulaga, hinahayaan kasi nilang magkamali sila.

Subok dito, subok doon hanggang mag-work. Pag hindi, eh di mistake.

Try ulit.

Pero kasi `yun ang punto.

HAYAAN nyo kasi.  Wag trying hard. Chill lang.


Kayo, pag di nag-work ng isang beses, palit agad.

Pag nag-wowork tapos may nakita kayong bago na ginagawa ng iba, aalisin nyo yung nag-wo-work at gagayahin yung ginagawa ng iba.

Kung ganyan kayo ng ganyan, may forever nga. Forever na lang kayong maghahabol at hahabulin ang gusto ng tao. At maski umabot ng forever, hindi nyo ito mahuhuli.



2 Inookray nila sarili nila, eh kayo?

Buti na lang walang sinasanto ang TVJ. Actually, meron naman. Eto `yung mga makakaapekto sa ratings nila at sa mga  tingin ng tao sa kanila, e.g. MTRCB,simbahan, etc. Pero dati, wala.

Kung magpa-iyak ng bata sina Vic & Joey sa Little Miss Philippines, no-holds-barred. Napapansin ng iilan, napapa-dyaryo ng konti pero walang na-ce-censor o napapatawag sa MTRCB. Wala kasing paki pa ang mga tao noon.

Iba na ngayon.

Kaya mild na mang-api si Bossing Vic ng mga bata ngayon. E.g. Di na sya nambubuga ng tubig sa mukha ng bata. Di na sya nagpapa-iyak ng bata. Pati pang-aasar niya mahinahon na rin.

Pero nandyan pa rin pang-ookray at pang-aasar nila sa kapwa nila hosts at pati sa show. May subversiveness pa rin, mild na nga lang.

Pati sila, ginagago nila sarili nila. Hindi nila masyado sinisiryoso sarili nila.

Kung may pangit sa show, sinasabi nina TVJ na parang di sila taga Eat Bulaga. Hanep.


3  Alamin nyo kasi pulso ng tao - hindi yung nag-a-assume kayo

Eto problema nyo.: dahil alam nyo wala kayo alam sa gusto ng tao, nag-a-assume kayo. Assume kayo ng assume.

Alam nyo sabi sa mga tao na nag-a-assume? It makes an ASS out of U and ME.

Parang ganto kayo magisip kasi:

"Achuchuchu achuchchu achuchuchu -- o diba? Magugustuhan yan kasi sumikat yung achuchu chu di ba? So gawa din tayo ng achuchuchu. Ibahin lang natin, gawin nating achuchachacha. Parang ganun pero hindi. Tapos pilitin nating gawin na parang may kilig din. Gusto nila ng nakakakilig? O di bigyan ng kilig."



Yan napapala ng kakaisip nyo.

Nganga.



Malalaman nyo lang pulso ng tao kapag......ahhhhh......siguro........ehhh.......ewan.

Eat Bulaga nga di alam, kayo pa. Sa tagal na nila, may talino at karanasan na sila para aminin na wala silang alam. Suntok sa buwan lang.

Sumuntok na rin kayo.






7/26/15

A Letter To The Iglesia Ni Cristo (INC) from The Catholic Church

Religion is a big cult.

A cult is a small religion.

Religion is what you call a cult that got big, old and structured enough to make its members and non-members agree it's not a cult. A religion is simply a bunch of people collectively agreeing that Catholicism, Buddhism, _______ (place your preferred religion here) is not a cult. Take note, it's still a cult, albeit more persuasive, charming and mainstream enough that people aren't threatened by it.

Jesus' followers established a group that was - at its time - considered a cult. They even got killed for their beliefs and were hunted down they had to hide themselves and their meetings from authorities. Peter the apostle - The Rock - was even crucified. 

A cult is a baby religion. It is religion in its infancy. It's religion taking its first baby steps to conquer people's minds and hearts aka - or in non-Oprah-ish language - monopolize & exploit people's fears and vulnerabilities.

Here is a letter written by one cult to another, with the much older and wiser cult offering its empathetic two-cents to a baby religion that is experiencing birth pangs.



Dear INC

"Papunta pa lang kayo, pabalik na `ko."

"I've been to hell and back, I'm sure you will too."

Seriously, I feel for you.  

But, seriously, what you're going through now is just the tip of the iceberg of what I went through centuries ago. 

Relax, okay?

You guys have to get your shit together.

And spare me your problems pluuueeeze. 


What you're going through isn't even half the shit I went through.

Dude, some of us got killed, tortured, crucified  just because we heart Jesus. No one liked Jesus then. They thought he was a rebel that stirred the pot a lot. So we stirred the pot too and people hated that. They hated us so they killed us.


And now you're whining just because some members are calling you thieves and corrupt would-be abductors.

Look, if some of your members want out, let them out. If they're announcing your shit to the world, let them!

When we got big and rich, it was our turn to kill and maim and that's what we did. We have to give back the shit they gave us some way. Eye for an eye right?



Spanish inquisition much?
The Crusades much?



You guys aren't even that rich yet but you act like you do you arrogant fucks. 

And don't wave your Philippine Arena at me boy. 
Or your Airbus crap.



You're just a little over a century old! We got rich after more than a century, only then did we conquer - not just people but - lands!

What the hell is a Philippine Arena anyway? Katy Perry kissed your ass and you imprisoned faggot Chris Brown in his hotel room and you call that power?

You deserve what you're getting now bitch. 

Learn from the expert. Take it slow and take the long and high road. 

Dissent happens everywhere. Deal with it.        

Don't let what people think affect your decisions - unless it would lead to losing members (= money) and collective support. I advise you to be civil to your frenemies.  Killing them doesnt work anymore, not in this age.  Unless you keep it 100% quiet - but I'm sure Twitter and Facebook will know.

Trust me. I tried to hide pedophile priests and everyone still knew where they are.

Just let everything out in the open. Keep it transparent. Apologize for shit - John Paul II did and that gave us media and social mileage for years until he died.  

If you have a charismatic persona there in your arsenal, use him/her. You need it badly now. So bad.

Have you seen your "ministers" on TV? You people are stiff! Your "preachers" are a cross between a 1980's RPN-9 newscaster and a boring math teacher. Fix that shit up. 



Luckily for us, we had Jesus to fall back on. Jesus is the greatest brand any religion can have. Seriously, that  guy is  the shit. We just rehash everything he says - which makes philosophical. logical, emotional, and spiritual sense - and voila,  everyone just likes us again. 

Your problem is, "Manalo" is more popular than Christ so everyone associates your church with Manalo than Jesus.  It seems like you're riding on Jesus' coattails to further "Manalo." Though that's our business model too --- wait a minute, did you copy us?


It's ayt. We dont have first dibs on him so feel free to use his brand and image. 

Look, the Protestants gave us a hard time too. They were dissing us and shit so when they decided to make their own church we didnt give a flying fuck. 

I think this is where your problem is going to go. 

Iglesia Filipina Independiente hated us so bad so they formed their own church too. It's a free country. Let the dissenters make their own church and see if you care. 

Let them, just let them. But dont abduct them.

If your problem is money, I'm going to stop here because you need someone else to handle that. 

Maybe I can refer you to The Bank of England. Money is not my expertise I admit. We have our own problems with money. What can I tell you, we may be rich in spirit but we're poor in math.  

So Im not going to pretend I know anything about that. 

Goodluck.

LOL (lots of love),
The Catholic Church

    








6/6/15

Ate Shawie Vs KC?

                                                            (Pic from Pinoy Exchange)


I heart Ate Shawie.

But her Facebook statements about her daughter is sad and odd.


For instance, why is she making sumbat to KC?





Aren't mommies supposed to naturally carry their children for nine months even at the expense of their own health? That is if you want the pregnancy in the first place. 

Why is this issue being thrown to an adult daughter who was a fetus during the time she can't do anything about being a fetus. It's not her fault she was a fetus in her mommy's tummy. Whether she liked to be in a fetus in her mommy's tummy or not, it's not as if she can do anything about it.


It is as if Ate Shawie didn't want to be pregnant with KC or Shawie felt it was forced on her by circumstances. 

As if she didn't welcome the idea of being pregnant. 

Making decisions at the expense of one's personal happiness is a default thing mommies do and/or when we want to make others happy. We want to make others happy because we love them not because we want them to remember to pay us back for our good deeds.

If you have a dog. If you feed, bathe, clothe your dog, do you expect your dog to pay you back? (To be fair, this is a non-issue for dogs because they are naturally loyal. But still. You care for your dogs because you heart dogs not because you want your dog to grovel in front of you at your beck and call - though dogs can do this. if you want someone to do this to you, get a dog not a human daughter).




“She has a college degree from a school located in a place that enabled her to learn so much more than just academics, because I sacrificed my own degree to work for her future.”

There it is again. That "sacrifice" she did. 

What's up with that?

Why bring that up to a daughter when it's a parent's responsibility to educate their child? Sure she did this on her own with no help from Gabby (I assume). Did she regret doing so?

Is it because she can't make KC be at her beck & call now that she's an adult?


“Unfortunately for me and fortunately for everyone else on this planet, I am the only one who made all these sacrifices, I am the only one who knows what I went through in private, and what I had to endure publicly when I was the only one raising her.

Sharon sounds a lot like Claudine Barretto here.

"CLAUDINE SA PAMANGKIN: WALANG UTANG NA LOOB," 

She's demanding that KC be grateful for all the things she did.
When this is brought up between two people, highly likely person A feels person B is coming onto her own and B has realized that he/she doesn't need A anymore, or that A feels no longer needed - a shock to personalities used to being needed/wanted.

This is why Shawie is asking gratitude from her daughter whom she gave her 'generosity', sacrifices and kindness to as if it's money that can and should be paid back.

I wonder, do they have money issues?
Last I looked, they're in a mother-daughter relationship, right? Not a business negotiation.

Anyare?

Look at KC's response.

I WILL LOVE HER FOREVER. 

KC tells us she will love her mother  (future tense).

She also tells us she doesn't love her mother now. She currently doesn't love her mother.

How bad is their rift?

"You know, we’re mother and daughter… I will love my mom, my mom is my mom forever, so I will love her forever."

She also refers to herself and her mother in the third person.

"We're mother and daughter."

It is as if she's distancing herself from being a daughter and from her mother. 

Why did she not say, "I'm her daughter" or "She's my mother"?


She later does own her love for her mommy.

“I mean, I love my mom so much,"
Oooh, there it is, she said it! She does love her mom!


In the end, she does!

All's well that ends well, hopefully.















5/27/15

3 Reasons Why Mariah Carey Should Quit Mayweather - & Manny Should Too

Mariah Carey hearts Mayweather?

Girl, stop putting your face near his as if you're waiting for him to bash your face in! No girl no.




Mimi, haven't you learned your lesson from your first husband? You said he was controlling - which is a form of abuse.

Over the years Carey has characterized Mottola as controlling, cloistering her in a mansion she later called "Sing Sing" even as she became the world's most popular performer.

Don't you know Mayweather's record of domestic abuse?

Why are you friends with a batterer, girl?

Don't you heart yourself? Or are you friends with him because you want your 2nd ex-husband to know who you're chummy with so you can send your Mayweather to your 2nd ex-husband's house when he goes out of line.

Still.

You serious girl? Your Mayweather doesn't like girls. He beats girls up.

Quit him.



"Are you a Quitter? Then You're a loser!", they said.

(Don't base major life decisions on these catchy one-liners no matter how clever they seem to be. Following them impulsively is also a sign that you're so hungry for guidance you'd follow anything that seem to show the 'right way'.

Remember: The right way is only right if it fits your experience - not because it rhymes.)

Unless you're quitting smoking, quitting is actually life-saving.

Quitting is good if you're quitting any of the following:

a) an addiction

b) a dysfunctional one-way relationship (where only one party is giving and the other party is just taking)

c) an abusive relationship

d) all of the above = (characteristics which describe a person like) Mayweather

If you're like Manny Pacquiao who was in a business relationship with a manipulative, selfish, egotistical, narcissistic, hypocrite - aka Mayweather; and you still want to be in a relationship with a manipulative, selfish, egotistical, narcissistic, hypocrite - aka Mayweather, ask yourself why? Is it because:

a) you think you can change him?

b) you want a rematch and you think you can win this time?

c) you think leaving is quitting and is = to losing?

d) all of the above


Please know that all of the above is wrong.


It's best that you quit that relationship NOW!

Why?



1    You will be saved from being mind-fucked

Mayweather is a mind fucker.

First he said he wont fight Manny, then he said he will.

Then he said he won't. Then he said he will.

He's a mental rapist, an emotional stalker and a physical abuser. The legal cases thrown at him by the women he hurt aka the mother of his kids are evidences of what he is capable of.


As a boxer, Manny admitted to ABS-CBN reporter Diane Castillejo that he was mind-fucked by Mayweather and there were efforts to intimidate him and his camp.

e.g. Hours before the fight, he was not allowed to take his bottled water inside the room. Mayweather also knew what Manny was up to every second of every minute.


``T`was the Art of War, fool!' Mayweather insists.

Mayweather is an expert in fucking your game, fucking your style, your mind.

His 'Art of War' is the coward's manifesto for keeping everything under his manipulative control because he's deathly afraid of Manny's bigger dick and/ or he simply wants to get the upper hand.

People who are controlling are dangerous because they only want things done their way. You are a pawn to him. You are not even You to him. You're just an appendage he can willfully move/play with or - if you're no longer serving his interest - cut off.


2  You will be saved from going downhill with him

Mayweather, as based on his words and deeds, is arrogant, self-serving, selfish.

Arrogant people will do everything to prop themselves up while putting others down.

No one cares more for arrogant people than themselves. They'd call anyone they feel threatening as "cowards," "losers," or any other name as long as they can project their insecurities onto others.

Arrogant people are so high-minded and deluded they usually fall flat on their face with the help of their own words and deeds. Stay away from them lest you fall with them or they fall on you - and 99.99% of the time, they usually do.


3  You won't get bitten

Mayweather is a crocodile / scorpion / hippopotamus. (Choose your metaphor)

Crocodiles/scorpions / hippopotamuses bite/sting/break humans in two pieces just because they can. It's their nature. It's nothing personal. It's just how they are built.

Hippopotamuses are vegetarians yet they won't think twice about breaking a human's bones because that's their trip. They dont eat humans, they just like attacking humans. They can even run faster than humans - 30 miles per hour.

A human version of a crocodile/scorpion/hippo does the same thing. They are stealthy biters.

They first praise you,

"Manny Pacquiao is a solid competitor. He is a tough competitor"


then destroy you - while legally and technically getting away with it -




and diss you.

'Floyd Mayweather brands Manny Pacquiao a 'sore loser' and 'coward'




GET OUT NOW!

There is no purpose of you staying there. Arrogant people fall on their own asses by virtue of their arrogance. They do it to themselves. Maybe not now, or tomorrow, but eventually they will. Get away from them.

Leave them and let them be. Live your life. Move on. No one will remember his 0 defeats 5 yrs from now - exept sportscasters. No one wil remember sportscaster 5 yrs from now so they're all in the same boat.



You too Manny. Stop hoping and wishing for a rematch.


Mayweather doesn't want to lose - hell kill you if you win.

Stop hoping that he'll return back to Jesus. Mayweather's Jesus is money.


Mayweather will rather kill himself than change.

Stay alive and out of Mayweather's dark life.

Take the good and leave the ugly rest behind. Amen?


Amen.




4/25/15

Question Of The Day: "Pwede Pa Ba Mabuhay Ulit Ang Pag-ibig Na Nagkasawaan Na?"

Tanong ni prend: "Pwede Pa Ba Mabuhay Ulit Ang Pag-ibig Na Nagkasawaan Na?"

Sagot:   Wait lang. Mabuhay ulit?

             Bago mabuhay ang samting, kelangan patay muna `to.

             Parang ang mas dapat na tanong:   Pwede ba buhayin ang patay?

              Pag nabuhay ang patay, Zombie na `yun.





            Ang zombie, walking dead na. Wala na `tong puso, wala ng utak, wala ng kaloob-looban.


            Lahat ng ginagawa nito dikta na lang ng nakasanayan nya saka `yung tawag ng natitirang         
            kalamnan at balat nya. 

            Ang alam lang nito gawin kumain ng kumain ng kahit anong nakikita nyang gumagalaw. Kain  
            `to ng kain pero di naman nabubusog.

            Never na `to mabubusog. 


            Kung pinilit nyo pa buhayin ang pag-ibig na dedo na, zombie na kayong dalawa.

            Nagho-holding hands nga kayo habang naglalakad sa mall, pero walking dead naman kayo 
            pareho.

            Nag-tatali na lang sa inyo `yung mga uod na unti unting inuubos ang katawan n`yo. Wala na rin 
            kayong isip at malay.


                                       
            

            Wala na kayong puso. 
            
            Talo pa kayo ng puno ng saging.




So kung gusto nyo pa buhayin ang patay, wag na.    Kain na lang kayo ng saging. 

4/23/15

Only In The Philippines - 5 Funny Signage: Why Filipinos Have To Feel It To Follow It


Ever crossed the street even when the traffic light says you shouldn’t?

Ever made a u-turn despite the glaring presence of a “No U-Turn” sign?

Ever threw trash in front of a wall that that has MMDA Regulation No. 96-009 written on it?


We all have.

Why?  

Because we can.
Because doing the forbidden is exciting aka “Masarap ang bawal.”
Because it’s not really illegal unless we get caught.

Unless it’s Jesus and his earthly disciples who are making commands, 
(Agustinos)

our boss,  


a charismatic Filipino TV game show host

@WowoWin7

or our mother - Filipinos are not blind followers.


Rarely do we follow anemic instructions specially those found on public signage.


The probable reason why we don’t follow signs is because our default reaction to commands given by any perceived authority is to rebel.


Thanks to centuries of us being the colonizee, we have learned that the best way to rebel is indirectly.
The first time we rebelled against our first conquistadors – the Spaniards – we killed them.  We fought them and we won. How sweet our first taste of their defeat.  



Then, they came back and killed some of us.


When they insisted we kneel before their god; carry cedulas; change our names to Spanish-sounding ones; and chuck out our loincloths for baro’t saya; we did as we were told while gritting our teeth & wishing that heaven is better than this cruel earth we were living in.  





When our cup runneth over, we rebelled by fighting until we breathed our last.


When it was America’s turn to rule us, we also rebelled via the bloody Phil-Am War.

We are still rebelling against the Americans by taking away their call center jobs and rooting for Pacquiao.



We later realized, after all that rebelling, that we can rebel without having to shed blood. We also realized that our needs are simple: we want to eat, sleep, and have sex in peace. We also discovered that we can do all of the above while working with, not against, authority.

The end result is that we have almost perfected the art of passive-aggressiveness: doing what we’re told to do while wishing Auntie Karma get very creative when it dishes out doomed destiny to those who deserve it.

When we’re used to doing what we’re supposed to do on the outside while seething violently inside, this cognitive dissonance-ish feeling becomes a habit, if not a well-worn cultural trait.

It is now ingrained in us to rebel in any way we can, whatever chance we get.

When someone tells us we can’t do something, but wish we could, we still do what we want as long as we can get away with it. And we take advantage of this opportunity to the hilt. Thus our disobedience to relatively non-life-threatening rules and regulations.  But this doesn’t mean we’re hard-hearted and won’t budge when we should. We do give in and follow commands that recognize the humanity in us.

Commands that jolt us out of our default rebel mode and make us feel that the command came from a fellow human being – not a distant and detached authority figure – touches us into submission, sometimes.

Since we Filipinos take things personally, we feel that signage should take us personally too.

Everything’s personal to us.

Why do you think we call complete strangers “kuya”, “ate”; or any elder as “nanay”, “tatay”, as if they’re our long lost relatives?

We even called a very celibate pope, “Lolo Kiko” because we felt it was the right thing to do.
Something has to first personally affect us before we can allow it to have its way with us.

A command has to touch us. We have to feel it.  It has to talk to us. We’re not robots. We disregard formal rules. We value “pakiusap” or an emphatic gesture – well-meaning or not., violent or not.
We wear our feelings on our sleeves. We ruffle easily. We also laugh easily – at ourselves or with others.

We value emotions because we have tons of it –  and Gallup Poll agrees. See this Vanity Fair article:  PH is World's Most Emotional Country.    


These funny and emotionally-laden signage are our way of softening a command while also highlighting its seriousness. These are proof that we don’t mind being ordered around as long as it’s done sincerely.


1 Bawal Umihi  Dito

Everybody knows you shouldn’t pee in a public place, but does anyone know why? This sign under SSH Magallanes earnestly, albeit angrily, explains the reason.




BAWAL UMIHI DITO MAY CCTV
NAKIKITA NAMIN KAYO SAWANG SAWA NA KAMI!'
(YOU CAN'T PEE HER. THERE'S A CCTV. WE'RE SICK and TIRED OF LOOKING AT YOU!)



Another sign on a wall in Pasong Tamo Makati, beside a Japanese resto, explains in basic third grade logic why peeing in public is a no-no. Does this remind you of your mother?

Note the three exclamation marks (because they want you to get the message not, once, not twice, but three times).


Bawal Umihi Dito!!! Mapanghi
(YOU CAN'T PEE HERE!!! YOUR PEE STINKS)




2   Keep Your Distance

We know what this sign means when we see it on the back of a truck. It tells us to stay away as far as we can for safety’ s sake. But by itself, it sounds stand-offish as if a large man with dark sunglasses wearing a suit is pushing us away with his forceful, arrogant hand.

We don’t like it when someone does that. So here’s a sign that says the same thing but with our feelings, or maybe Angelina Jolie’s husband, in mind.

Besides commanding obedience, it also commands kinship. Right, bro?




Keep Distance Brad!!!







3   Bawal Tumawid May Namatay Na Dito

The threat of impending death isn’t supposed to be funny but it is because this sign is both a warning and a veiled threat.


 “Bawal Tumawid” should have been enough of an order. It’s brief, it saves space, it has weight. The reader knows what not to do upon seeing it.

Adding “May Namatay na Dito” is the sign’s desperate attempt to convince, persuade and influence your good judgment, to no avail. Last I heard, this sign – and its other version – “Bawal Tumawid, Nakamamatay” – hasn’t discouraged jaywalkers. Instead, it has served as a fun challenge.

Never mind the 100% chance of having an accident. Never mind the (minumum P20,000) cost of being in an accident. All these are trumped by the victorious feeling of crossing a street you’re not supposed to and surviving to gloat about it – priceless.




4            Bawal ang Tao Dito, Doon Ka sa Bangketa




A space guarded by a metal railing is not enough for us to think we shouldn’t be there at all. Apparently, someone still has  to tell  us that no human of any kind or form should be walking/standing or staying there.

Because a guard/MMDA official or any living person with good sense probably refused this thankless and futile job, a physically inanimate sign would have to do. But beware, though signs don’t talk, this one does. At least, this sign seems to be talking to us as if it was channeling its inner annoyed “palengkera” who has surrendered its fate to the stubborn pedestrian who refuses to listen to anyone. 

If this sign were a real person, it would have its lips pursed to the direction of where you’re supposed to sit/stand/stay after calling your mother a commercial sex worker.




5        Bawal makipagdate dito sa Basilica

Filipino signage also care about our love-lives. Like concerned parents, it wants to keep us on the straight & narrow. It also has eyes at the back of its head. It knows what we’re up to even before we think we know what we’re up to. It can anticipate our dark intent.

(jacoblaneria)

So when we say we’re going to church yet mean that we’re really having a date, coincidentally, inside a church, it knows! And it wants you to know that it knows! So stop it!





But who’s complaining? These signage were made by us, for us. It is us telling ourselves to behave, or else. It’s us talking to the sensitive part of ourselves who knows that - with a little cajoling and a bit of “lambing” - we’ll do what were told as long as we know we are being talked to by a fellow human. Not a flat, lifeless signboard. We don’t like lifeless commands. We disrespect it. We feel it doesn’t mean what it says. Who wants to listen to someone who doesn’t even know what it’s talking about. We take these funny signage seriously because, whether we admit it or not, we don’t want our signage done in any other way.








1/18/15

Right To Free Speech = Right To Free Action = Freedom To Do Anything, as in Anything?


"Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don’t like I think you have the right to kill me."George Carlin




This is the same as Pope Francis saying:
"...anyone who swears at (my) mother deserves a punch." AKA 'If you do something you like such as swearing at my mother, I can do something I like such as punching you in the face.'


Notice how both ideas start with doing what "I WANT" or "I LIKE" - which technically is what freedom is all about, or is it? 


Imagine you belong to a large family - e.g. 19 Kids and Counting.



If this is too scary for you, let's dial the thought down a bit. Imagine instead, you belong to the Pitt-Jolie family.


Looks and sounds better, huh.

The point is, you belong to a large family and you have siblings whose personalities are as varied as the worldwide flavors of Coke. It's essentially the same Coke, but in different cans with different food additives.

All the kids come from the same DNA but for some reason, they don't think the same, they don't feel the same, they don't all believe the same shit.

Let's say one kid believes in the power of Lion King, another kid thinks he's an Avenger, one kid thinks nothing can be better than Frozen's Elsa. But one of them believes you shouldn't mess with Han Solo, specifically his Han Solo action figure. If you do, he'll kill you - or in kid speak - he'll kill you. Being the natural kid that you are, you mess with his Han Solo.

Also, you're the kid who likes messing other kids - for (good and/or bad) fun.

Your parents think teasing, joking isn't anymore joking/teasing if you're the only one having fun. So they tell you to stop.

You don't.

You continue messing with Simba - you feed your sibling's stuffed Simba toy to the dog.
You mess with the Avengers by using the comic books as a coloring book.
You mess with Han Solo by freezing the action figure in ice.

Everyone didn't find what you did funny.

Simba-loving-kid cried and went to mommy.
Avengers-loving-kid forbade you from ever stepping into his room, ever.

Han-Solo-loving-kid hates you. He hates you from the depth of his being. You insulting Han Solo is equal to you insulting him too so he threatens to behead you if you do it again.

So you do it again, because you can. This time, you put Han Solo's love interest Princess Leia in the fridge too.

What does Han-Solo-loving-kid do?

He does what he told you he'll do. But thanks to mommy and daddy, Han-Solo-kid is stopped from killing you. But mommy & daddy has had enough and tells you to STOP too.

Just stop, they say. Don't you understand?, they ask. Han-Solo kid has poor impulse control, they say. He's doing his best they say. But we can only do what we can do, they add. You have to do your part too. Stop pushing his buttons and leave him be, they say. He has to work it out on his own, they say. Stop forcing/making him understand that what you're doing is funny, he doesn't get it - yet. He has to work it out on his own, and you can't do that for him, they say. If you insist to make him understand,  if you insist that he should laugh too, you're doing the same thing he's doing too.

You're forcing your humor on him the same way he's forcing his belief on you.

Both of you can't and won't understand each other if you're bullying each other and insisting your wants upon each other.

It's just an action figure, you answer back. He should stop taking it seriously. He's sick! Why are  you talking to me for? Talk to him too! He'll kill anyone who disagrees with him, even you!

Your daddy shows his missing pinkie and responds, `He almost already did. He cut my pinkie when I told him to lighten up.'

Now what?

What would you do?

You can continue making fun of Han-Solo and face the consequences - which you have already been warned will happen.

Or

You can stop.

Or you can maybe ask WHY you want to do what you want.


If you don't want to be beheaded but you make fun of Han Solo anyway, you shouldn't have made fun of Han Solo.

If you are ready to be beheaded so you courageously make fun of Han Solo, who could say you did the wrong thing? You knew the consequences and were ready to face it. You made a decision that is right for you.

Beheading is NOT right nor is bullying someone to get them to do what you want. But taunting a bully isn't wise now is it? He won't get your joke because he's been blinded by his love for Han Solo, and no amount of anything will make him change his mind.

But, you can try. You can die trying if that's what you want. But remember that you can die - if that's okay with you.

You're free to do anything. Besides you, everyone else is free to do anything. Spiderman said 'With freedom comes responsibility.' The problem is, everyone thinks they're doing the responsible thing.

Making fun of Han Solo is fun if everybody else thinks the same way.

Those who take Han Solo seriously should lighten up. "Should" is a form of control too.

Killing someone who taunted Han Solo is overt control to the nth degree. Yet both are still  trying to control another's reaction. Both think one should not act/be a certain way. Stalemate.

Thus the deadly riots.

One is insistently persisting he is doing the right thing and the other is too.

Both are doing what  they want.  Not what the other wants.

And so it's a perpetual cycle of self-pleasing.

Forcing your idea on someone is sick. It's controlling.

Everyone SHOULD let each other be, if they want to.

Should? Hey, I'm controlling too!

What to do?







The Monty Python team had had the good sense not to lampoon the Islamists. "We didn't go for the Muslims, did we?" (Terry Gilliam) said, a little self-deprecatingly. "We were smart." 





1/1/15

Happy New (Day of the) Year

Ever notice how we spend the new year, every new year?

We are happy within the 3 minutes, 2 minutes, 60 seconds, 2 seconds leading up to the new year that that we express our happiness by lighting fireworks,


eating tons of food,



hugging, clapping, jumping, kissing




and essentially bingeing on ecstasy the minute the "New Year" starts - with the ecstasy slowly tapering off the second or two after.

We are happy five minutes before the start of the new DAY of the Year and the 3-5 seconds after. Not the entire year.

After the first 5 minutes of the new year, it's over.

The new year is over.

You: "What do you mean the new year's over? It's still the new year now!"

No.

This year is like every other year now. The new year's done, it has passed. We're waiting for the new year next year. That's the new year!

We don't really like the new year. We just want the idea of the new year. Those 3-5 minutes of the new day of the year coming, that's where the action is. The whole year is -- ehhh. It's a year. It will basically be any other year.  But the 60 seconds before and after  the new year, that's where our money is.

Our wishes, dreams, hopes are all condensed in the first few seconds on that new day of the year.

It's like most orgasms. If you've ever had one, it's where - for a second - you let yourself go, you suddenly have a glimpse of `heaven', everything will be alright, you feel no one and nothing can touch you and then, just like an orgasm, the good feeling ends as fast as it begins.

We don't value the year. What we value is the first minutes before and the seconds after the new day of the year starts. The rest of the year we essentially live like its any other.  

The seconds of the new day of the year ticks away until it becomes a minute, two minutes, five, 30 and then an hour and 24 hours. And then it's the second day of the new year. Then we wake up and live like it's any other day - until the next new year.

Happy New Day of the Year! After the first day of the year & after all that hugging, smiling & kissing,  I bet we'll all be back saying 'Fuck you' to each other again.



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